How To Beat The Helen Keller Card

2 weeks down 14 to go in the evil school year; the first month is over so in comes one steak streak in my hair cut to mark my survival. I’m a Senior now and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can finally countdown my units left on my fingers and toes, however I continue to learn things that interest me as much as the up coming release of the Ipad, not at all.
I try to write about relevant things and topics that swarm my observations. With that said I’m pretty sure I can’t take anyone seriously who watches Jersey Shore ( which means most of the world), because you are just like those people who watched the OC, who are just like those people who watched The Hills, and Laguna Beach. It really makes me wonder. But have no fear, I turn to a less spray tanned and self-absorbed topic: Board Games

As most of you know there is an infamous party game known as Apples to Apples. A very simple game where personal opinions, comparisons, and don’t forget bias dictate who the winner of the round will be.

It's funny to think people make money off selling this game

For those who don’t know how the game goes, Simply a descriptive card is drawn on a player’s turn, for example “Witty”. Then each player will play a card out of their hand that they think will relate realistically or comedically to “Witty”.

After a little bit of arguing or awkward silence where the player feels it is necessary to explain their thought process out loud as they skim through the cards… EVENTUALLY a winning card is chosen.

Yes almost everyone my age and surrounding has played, and myths have formed and universal sayings have come about, the one I am here to talk about is the mystique of the Helen Keller Card.

One of the only acceptable answers for HK

In theory, according to most players, Helen Keller is unbeatable... regardless of the descriptive card… I know. Similar to Ali in Boxing, UCONN in Women’s basketball, and Roger Federer in Tennis, the outlook is bleak for any and all opponents.

Why does Helen Keller win? Well basically because deafness and blindness are hilarious in a game format. Plus the majority of players know that she is a famous figure in history, but have no clue why.

But in this darkest hour, my thoughts have stumbled upon a solution: I would not choose Helen Keller… So here is a series of possible solutions on what would take Helen to the final round and mostly likely run her out of business If I was playing, and maybe these will work for other players' minds as well.

Samuel L. Jackson – The Samuel L. Jackson Card not only represents a big time actor, but also all the loud, animated and somewhat belligerent characters he plays. Of course this one is more likely to win if a guy is choosing that round. But this is why:

I was going to photo shop a card in his hand but it was too much work with school...

- He has played so many characters he actually relates to many descriptive words. He covers it all as Mace Windu, Coach Carter, Jules Winnfield, The guy who was on a plane with snakes.., and lets not forget Frozone from The Incredibles.
- To guys, Samuel L. Jackson is funny. He yells a lot but you aren’t really scared, your more amused. He has his own Beer, and simply It gets ya Drunk
- Finally why not pick him? Well just imagine yourself in the chair you sit in, and him Ezequiel 25:17to you, while John Travolta stands behind you. If you don’t pick the card… Well you know what happens next if you’ve seen the movie.

Festering Wounds – This card can win on the basis that it’s so graphic that it’s funny. I’m pretty sure very few of us have had wounds that we considering festering, even more so I highly doubt that most of us ever use the word “Wounds”. It’s almost unimaginable, so much so that it is hilarious. At least more than Helen Keller ever was.

AIDS - Is similar to watching someone get hit in the balls in sports, as long as its not you , it’s comedy gold. Which is why I believe AIDS can defeat Helen Keller. Ok... so way more dramatic than getting kicked in the nuts, and in all reality AIDS would smash Helen Keller by literally destroying her body. And to be perfectly honest, to avoid being sued, I’m pretty sure AIDS isn’t a card… but for the sake of the game it should be because this would be the ultimate counter punch to the “unbeatable” Helen Keller card.

Babies - Though all my examples are geared toward me picking your card, this one relates especially. I have a love hate relationship with babies. Some days I can’t avoid babies, every turn I take there is one around me walking toward me, giving me the stank eye, or secretly plotting my doom. Then there are days when babies and I unite as one, my strange intrigue of Babies has lead me to believe that if I learned how to talk to them I could lead them in an army to save babies around the world… Pretty weird I know but it gets worse.

Out of control..Double stank eye

You see I have what some may call horrible baby thoughts, this is where the Hate in Love/hate comes into play. Thanks to Dave Chappelle, I have countless inside jokes about punting babies, and imagining them on the Corner sellin crack, sneakin into clubs and what not. I even taught a summer school course called Baby punting 101. As my malice grows I often prejudge babies and believe they are stealing my attention, and some are really ugly but society insists on calling them cute simply because they are babies… Don’t worry because for the most part it is all a big joke, to this day the only thing I can’t stand is when little kids, who are definitely not babies are treated like babies. Annoying, stubborn and its all deliberate… Where is Mike Scifres? But my point is.. one thought track to the other.. I would pick the Babies card.

Your Ex –

..Like wolves

Probably the most logical and universal choice of my cards to take out Helen Keller. The “Your Ex” Card. Personally for me this is awesome because My ex can mean someone who is still a great friend, funny and someone I shared lots of memories with. Or it can mean a superficial, stuck up two comma Devil in girl’s clothing, who can’t handle my greatness… any everything in between.
The your ex card should apply to everyone who has an ex relationship. What fuels the fire more? From weird ex girlfriends, to douchebag ex boyfriends. There is enough fire and emotion brewing to cover any descriptive card and definitely burn any house down. ( Figuratively)

Moustaches –

Try and tell me that the card isn't better with that stache

Another very personal one to me but on Hilarity alone, the word Moustaches takes me back to the days of Top Ten Mustachios, and makes me forget about whatever the descriptive card may be. A universal win, especially if Moustachios where taught in elementary school like they should be. But a sure winner none the less.

Other notable Winners: Mating Season, Muppets, Will Smith

My dawg

, My Cold, Dead Fingers

hah just an awkward card

For those competitive enough to care about apples to apples ( which is way too competitive) I hope this was a stepping stone to greatness.

" Talent is nothing without skill"

-ThaTKy
T.K.O.

Have you seen my super suit?